i quit drinking.

i am the great broken pecker.  and i always say i need to quit drinking.  but then i’d miss all this crazy shit that happens around me when i drink.  then i think to myself, look at all this crazy shit goes down when i’m drinking.  that’s why i need to quit.  it’s a vicious cycle.

so i know this cat though another cat who i know from out drinking.  the one cat’s a pretty cool dude.  but anyway, this other cat has been recently divorced and he’s not dealing too well with it and he wanted to have a guys night monday.  ya know, watch some playoff baseball, monday night football, play some cards, drink some beers.  ya know.

he’s been trying to get it together for a while so i say i’ll go.  says he’s got plenty of rooms so i’m welcome to crash.  no problem.  says he’s got some killer herb, which he does, so i’m obliged to stop and hang out for a while.

first thing this dude does is start pouring shots of irish whiskey down my throat.  but that’s not uncommon among my friends.  there’s a couple other dudes there and we end up getting into a card game.  i come out with 20 bucks and i’m done in the first four hands.  no biggie.  there’s a killer meat and cheese and cracker tray with olives.

i never knew how much i dug olives until last night actually.  but that’s got nothing to do with nothing.

it’s still pretty early in the evening but there’s no way i’m driving anywhere.  screw it.  so i start to pound my 18 pack of miller lite like it’s an 18 year old on spring break.

it’s during the poker game i start to get the feeling there’s a little something queer about our host.  he’s real anxious and is trying a little too hard to be the center of attention.  and he’s like really drunk so he’s being stupid and brash about it.  it’s just something a little unsettling about this cat to me at this point.

i don’t reckon i should be too surprised, this dude has given me the heebe jeebes before.  and i still went to his place to drink and smoke his fine, fine herb.  that’s why i’m the great broken pecker.

a little later as the card game has died down, this other cat shows up.  the one who i know this one dude though.  and this dude i just know from out drinking.  but he’s a good dude.  and i know he’ll be hooking me up with a lift.  that cat is cool like that.  the card playing dudes all head out and it’s just the three of us.

ol’ dude starts asking if anyone is getting sleepy.  and i’m like what the fuck?  are you asking me if i’m ready to go to your bedroom?

but no.  he’s breaking out the blow.

alright now.  i’m not gonna judge no one for no thing no ever.  i’m personally anti cocaine.  for a couple of reasons.  the first being my head feels like it’s filled with helium, my ears pop, i clench my jaw and i have nasal drippage for like two fucking weeks.  and second, people that do coke are assholes.  i don’t like them.  at all.  no thanks.  you can have your cocaine.  i’m gonna go home and smoke my bowl.  peace.

so me and this one cat are trying to make our exit and this dude is really adamant about us staying.  i mean, uncomfortably so.  it’s really like when you’re trying to convince a chick to stay over.  man, you just can’t be too careful.  you been drinking and i don’t want you to get a dui.  really, it’s no big deal.  just crash here.  i’ll set an alarm if you gotta go early.

it was uncomfortable.  i was uncomfortable leaving my car parked in his neighborhood.  but fuck it, i wasn’t staying in that dude’s house.  i’d wake up with his tee bag in my grill.  and i ain’t down for no coked up closet homo having his tee bag in my grill.

and that’s not even the best part of the night.  and it’s only funny because i got out safely and my car was in one piece this morning…

but when i got home, some people were locked in the upstairs bedroom.  apparently one of my brother’s ex wife’s idiot brothers was staying up there with his disproportionately young girlfriend.  i guess he’s working for my brother today or some shit.  it’s fucking shenanigan’s is what it is.  those people are all fucked up.

it looked to me like he picked up this young chick and needed a place to come drop the boom.  and she is a trashy little thing.  she’s actually still asleep in the bedroom upstairs.  and i’m pretty sure i could probably just go fuck her.  maybe i will in a minute.  let me finish my story.

so i roll on in the crib and these morons are on the other side of the door beating on it.  my brother is taking the door knob off.  and shit still won’t open up!  they end up taking the door off it’s hinges so ol’ girl can go pee.

that’s just fucking hilarious to me to come home and find some idiot has brought some trick over to shag real quick and got locked in the fucking bedroom and had to take the door off it’s hinges so the little trick can get out and pee in the middle of the night.

that’s why i quit drinking.

why i hate niggers.

i was minding my own damn business at the bar one night.  and this black gentleman starts talking to me.  i was hanging outside with this chick i didn’t know, but could easily tell was with the bartender this particular evening.  that’s cool, i ain’t gonna try and cock block this gentleman.  he bartends where i like to drink.

so i chat with this black gentleman.  i assume him to be with this shapely black woman when i see him come outside where i’m sitting.  the shapely black woman and this bra-less, thin, hard nippled woman i had just met spark up a conversation.

the conversation naturally moves to marijuana.  the gentleman says he can get us a dime bag if i’m driving.  and i’m buying him a beer.

it’s at this point i should have moved on with my evening.  but like the good hearted stoner i am, i say okay.  let’s ride and get some herb.  and i buy this gentleman a beer.

so, we get to this one cat’s place and we gotta drive him around the block so he can go pick it up.  says ole dude needs to sell at least a twenty bag.  but he’ll go in and see what he can do.  he comes back and said, he just gave me a twenty for ten bucks.  i got you a deal.

first, this ain’t no where near a twenty bag.  even the expensive ass weed i buy, this ain’t no twenty bag.  a fifteen bag at best.  but whatever.  these are strange black men i’ve never met before right in the middle of the damn ghetto.  it would take an ambulance too long to get here if i got shot or some crazy shit.  so i’m being cool.  i give this gentleman a pinch out of the bag.  all is good.

well, this crazy nigger that i’ve already bought two beers for and given a ride to pick up some weed that i’m paying for and going to smoke with him, ask me for five bucks so he can buy a bump off this cat.  a bump, as in a bump of cocaine.  blow.  powder.  booger sugar.

and i’m like fuck.  i’m stuck in the middle of the damn ghetto buying weed off this cat i never met with this other cat i’ve never met.  i’m done out twenty bucks for my dime bag, then i let you pinch off it.  and this other nigger is wanting five cash so he can get a bump.  fuck.

i really need a girlfriend.

so i give this guy five bucks.  and sit there and wait.  i figure if i give him twenty minutes and he’s not back, i can bail.  otherwise i told my man i’d wait for him, and he did get me some pretty decent herb.

he finally comes back and we make it down to the bar where i find out, indeed, that little skinny chick with the rock solid nipples is going home with the bartender.  but she gives me the look that said she wished i had been there for her to talk to.  before going home with the bartender, but i still got a look.

anyway, the chick he had shown up with split probably as soon as she saw him leave with me.  because i didn’t think that nigger was going to leave me alone all night.  this crazy bullshit he’s talking all night.  i’m your friend, he said.  cal, you good people.  i’m glad i met you.  all this crazy shit he’s talking.

he told me more than twice that he’s the kind of guy that if he’s got, his friends don’t go without.  he said if i saw you out cal and you said you was broke, and i had money, i’d just give ya some.  no questions ask.  you a good friend and i can tell.  and my friends don’t go without if i got.

all kinds of shit like that.  i just nod my head.  it’s like thanks for the herb man, but fuck dude.  leave me the fuck alone. 

and of course he ask me for some money ’cause he’s broke and he wouldn’t leave me without money if he had any.

nigger please. 

and that’s why i hate niggers.

i got laid this weekend

I suppose with I got laid.  Twice.  That’s always nice.  Once in my car which is always fun and once in her bed, which is always more fun.

 

Almost got arrested picking this girl up at a bar last night.  I had to work so I wasn’t off until late.  She was out with some friends and I really didn’t feel like getting out.  So I just went down the street when I got off work to a little bar for a beer before going home.

 

Well, the Final Four was on and North Carolina was getting the crap kicked out of them.  Crazy.  So I finished my one beer and headed for the house.

 

On the way, Carolina made a big run and got close.  So I hurried to this sports bar I like real well to watch the rest of the game.  had two there.

 

Then there’s this one little place on the way home and I always enjoy looking at their cute little bartenders so I decided to stop in there for one too.

 

By now I figure I should go pick my girl up.

 

I meet her and some friends out and have a couple more there until it’s time to go home.

 

And we’re riding home.  Minding out own business.  Smoking a bowl.  And I drive right by a cop. 

 

It’s small town bullshit too.  He’s parked in an empty parking lot just waiting for someone to drive by.  And I was the lucky contestant.

 

He pulled right in behind me and followed me.  if I had been completely sober and didn’t have weed on me I would have pulled over and asked for his badge number and reported him for harassment. 

 

But I had had a few and was indeed carrying marijuana.  So I just had to drive. 

 

And drive I did.  Flawlessly I guess.  Because I didn’t get pulled over.  But that son of a bitch followed me for about 15 minutes down some country ass roads.

 

That was close.  Really helped make that love we made that much more exciting.  We almost went to jail.  That makes for some good lovin’.

 

And it was good loving.  I gave her a good one.  I love giving her a good one before I come.  If I can make her all quivery and make her come all over the place then I basically get a pass.  I could go straight to sleep after that and still be all good.

 

But I was feeling good.  So now I just gotta get her to stop fucking calling me.  I think she’s afraid that I’m not interested now that we’ve done it.  I hate to tell this to ya sister, but I really wasn’t interested in the first place.

 

But thanks for the sex.  We’ll do it again.

 

It’s interesting to wake up and stagger out of her bedroom after some good hard sex all night and find her 17 year old son loading his giant glass bong….

 

So I hit it a couple of times and split.