i am the great broken pecker. and i always say i need to quit drinking. but then i’d miss all this crazy shit that happens around me when i drink. then i think to myself, look at all this crazy shit goes down when i’m drinking. that’s why i need to quit. it’s a vicious cycle.
so i know this cat though another cat who i know from out drinking. the one cat’s a pretty cool dude. but anyway, this other cat has been recently divorced and he’s not dealing too well with it and he wanted to have a guys night monday. ya know, watch some playoff baseball, monday night football, play some cards, drink some beers. ya know.
he’s been trying to get it together for a while so i say i’ll go. says he’s got plenty of rooms so i’m welcome to crash. no problem. says he’s got some killer herb, which he does, so i’m obliged to stop and hang out for a while.
first thing this dude does is start pouring shots of irish whiskey down my throat. but that’s not uncommon among my friends. there’s a couple other dudes there and we end up getting into a card game. i come out with 20 bucks and i’m done in the first four hands. no biggie. there’s a killer meat and cheese and cracker tray with olives.
i never knew how much i dug olives until last night actually. but that’s got nothing to do with nothing.
it’s still pretty early in the evening but there’s no way i’m driving anywhere. screw it. so i start to pound my 18 pack of miller lite like it’s an 18 year old on spring break.
it’s during the poker game i start to get the feeling there’s a little something queer about our host. he’s real anxious and is trying a little too hard to be the center of attention. and he’s like really drunk so he’s being stupid and brash about it. it’s just something a little unsettling about this cat to me at this point.
i don’t reckon i should be too surprised, this dude has given me the heebe jeebes before. and i still went to his place to drink and smoke his fine, fine herb. that’s why i’m the great broken pecker.
a little later as the card game has died down, this other cat shows up. the one who i know this one dude though. and this dude i just know from out drinking. but he’s a good dude. and i know he’ll be hooking me up with a lift. that cat is cool like that. the card playing dudes all head out and it’s just the three of us.
ol’ dude starts asking if anyone is getting sleepy. and i’m like what the fuck? are you asking me if i’m ready to go to your bedroom?
but no. he’s breaking out the blow.
alright now. i’m not gonna judge no one for no thing no ever. i’m personally anti cocaine. for a couple of reasons. the first being my head feels like it’s filled with helium, my ears pop, i clench my jaw and i have nasal drippage for like two fucking weeks. and second, people that do coke are assholes. i don’t like them. at all. no thanks. you can have your cocaine. i’m gonna go home and smoke my bowl. peace.
so me and this one cat are trying to make our exit and this dude is really adamant about us staying. i mean, uncomfortably so. it’s really like when you’re trying to convince a chick to stay over. man, you just can’t be too careful. you been drinking and i don’t want you to get a dui. really, it’s no big deal. just crash here. i’ll set an alarm if you gotta go early.
it was uncomfortable. i was uncomfortable leaving my car parked in his neighborhood. but fuck it, i wasn’t staying in that dude’s house. i’d wake up with his tee bag in my grill. and i ain’t down for no coked up closet homo having his tee bag in my grill.
and that’s not even the best part of the night. and it’s only funny because i got out safely and my car was in one piece this morning…
but when i got home, some people were locked in the upstairs bedroom. apparently one of my brother’s ex wife’s idiot brothers was staying up there with his disproportionately young girlfriend. i guess he’s working for my brother today or some shit. it’s fucking shenanigan’s is what it is. those people are all fucked up.
it looked to me like he picked up this young chick and needed a place to come drop the boom. and she is a trashy little thing. she’s actually still asleep in the bedroom upstairs. and i’m pretty sure i could probably just go fuck her. maybe i will in a minute. let me finish my story.
so i roll on in the crib and these morons are on the other side of the door beating on it. my brother is taking the door knob off. and shit still won’t open up! they end up taking the door off it’s hinges so ol’ girl can go pee.
that’s just fucking hilarious to me to come home and find some idiot has brought some trick over to shag real quick and got locked in the fucking bedroom and had to take the door off it’s hinges so the little trick can get out and pee in the middle of the night.
that’s why i quit drinking.
i am the great broken pecker. 