i’m a teenager living in 30-something body.

so i smoked some weed with a couple of the teenage boys from work last night.  probably a bad idea.  but fuck it man, i was jonesing hard.  next step is going to be boning one of the slutty teenage girls that work there.  i really need to get out of there before i’m brought up on statutory rape charges.

but anyway, during my pot smoking experience with the young boys i realized that i am no different than they are.  i enjoy getting high, listening to music and talking about girls.  somewhere along they way my maturity stopped maturing.  which is all good to me.  i remember promising myself many years ago that i would never grow up.  and i’m doing a pretty bang up job if it.  yay me!

but i also made somewhat of a psychological breakthrough.  i think i understand what oedipus was talking about all those years ago.  and hanging out with the teenagers made me realize it.  we all are just looking for momma.  and the reason so many of us marry women similar to our own mothers is because we use her as a role model.  meaning we want a woman that’s going to be there for us.  a lot of times we want a woman to take care of us.  who am i kidding, that’s all we really want.  we want a woman that’s going to take care of us.  help us tie our shoes, make it to school on time, help us with out homework, and stroke our hair when we don’t make the football team.

we want to run and play with our friends the come home and let momma fix us a chicken salad sandwich on homemade bread, fried in butter.  and pat us on the head and tuck us in.  it just gets a little weird because we also want to fuck her.

so i banged the perfect woman this weekend…

and by perfect, i mean she has a swinging hips elvis clock hanging above her toilet.  i mean, that’s like enough right there.  but there’s more.  she’s also tall, red headed and her father owns a jewlry store.  she works for him and will eventually inherit the thing.  she’s a girl of vast resources.  i’ve always said i’m looking for someone to start a cloning experient with and she’d be a prime candidate.  tall, well built.  her brother is like a fucking monster he’s so huge.  not fatty huge, but just huge huge.  she owns her own home that comes equipped with a big screen tv, pool table and hot tub.  she loves to drink beer and smoke pot.  and she loves to get fucking pounded.

so i pounded her.  drank her beer.  and smoked her pot.  the hot tub had just been shocked so the clorine content was a little high and i’m already pasty white.  so i left that one alone.

i did come up with a new technique in the sack.  it will only work i think with tall girls.  well built girls.  little frail ones might not be able to do it either since it requires me to lay on top of her completely while she’s on her stomach.  but here it is.  she’s flat on her stomach and i’m stradling her ass on top of her.  i enter her va jay jay from that position and lay down on top of her, stretching my legs out side by side with hers with my legs remaining on the outside.  this allows for some nice, easy rocking of our bodies back and forth.  that’s good for me because in this position i can go for quite a while.  meaning longer that two minutes.  and she kinda likes it too.  maybe because she’s a lazy cunt, but whatever.

now the fun starts when we’ve been doing this for a while.  it feels good but she’s ready for some hard pounding.  so she tries to bring herself up into the doggy position while i’m still on top of her trying to pound her back down to the bed.  you can imagine how this might get fun.  but like i said, with slightly built women, this might not work so well.  i’m thinking the woman has to be able to push back and actually make an attempt to get to her knees.  because that’s the fun part for me.

when i finally allow her to her knees and the doggy position is assumed, i grab her by the hips, hold myself in the position where i’m on my haunches, as if i were a dog, and slam her by the hips back into me.  this is good fun for her as she really loves to be just fucking pounded.    i must admit i like it too.  i just need some work at it.  my stamina in this position is weak.  and i cum rather quickly once we’ve made it to this position.  the key is just to take a long time getting there. 

the perfect woman.  my long, desperate road is traveled.  well, not quite.  i’m not interested in this woman at all.  probably because she’s single.  and i don’t like the way she taste.  i’ve been with her before and the last two times we’ve fucked, we’ve not kissed.  not that she has a stanky pussy or anything like that.  i think it’s just where she’s such a heavy smoker it has actually tainted her taste.  you know, her lips, her skin.  and whatever kind of lotions and smell goods she uses, i don’t like either.  her scent does not turn me on.

so my search continues….

total D-bag move.

so this chick i had been banging but am no longer banging keeps texting me with stuff like, “i’m so bored. guess i’ll go watch some porn.”  and stuff like that.  well, yesterday i had some plans that fell through and got one of these text.  so i text her back and told her she was more than welcome to come play with my penis.  she ask what she’s gonna get out of it.  i told her a fresh load of hot, white cum.

she said ask what if she wanted sex.  and i told her if she’s suck me off and let me cum in her mouth i’d fuck her.  she decides she still doesn’t want to do that.  said she probably wouldn’t cum anyway.  because i think she’s just spent so much time getting herself off with a vibrator it’s really hard for her to get off with out it.  but chicks are just hard to get off sometimes.  but whatever.

she decides she’ll come over and play with my penis anyway.  and she does.  it’s pretty cool.  she fondles my balls and licks on my cock.  she sucks it.  and it’s all a good time.  she’s got these huge tits and we come up with this move where my legs are around her while i’m on my back and i titty fuck her and she’s like sucking my cock at the same time.  it’s very nice.

so we do that and it feels good and i cum all over myself.  it’s great.  but then, of course, she starts whining because she’s not getting anything out of it.  and i’m like, hey, that was the deal.  remember?  but whatever, i’m still hard so i slide it in and give her a little cock.  and i do mean a little.

the reason i stopped banging this chick in the first place is she just doesn’t turn me on.  sure, as long as she’s sucking my cock and fondling my balls i’m gonna get hard.  but when i’m fucking her i have to really concentrate to keep things going otherwise i’ll just go limp.  so i find a position where it really squeezes my pecker and i pound her for a minute or so and i cum again.  but it’s only like a half wad, so as soon as it stops oozing i stick it back in her to finish up.  and it doesn’t take very long.

needless to say, she’s pissed.  and i’m ready for a nap.  and i did take a two hour nap.  i think i fell asleep as she slammed the door.

cinco de mayo

band practice was pretty good tonight.  but i seem to have lost my wallet.  maybe i should lay off the pot.  i mean really.  i lose shit just by standing up.  last night, i lost a pen cap.  without even moving.  it’s like one second it’s there, the next it’s lost.  like i went through some sort of time warp and everything but the pen cap came with me. 

i mean, i was just sitting right there.  i didni’t even move.

i lost my remote control the other night.  but i got up.  probably to smoke some pot.  then i couldn’t find my remote.  that’s irritating enough.  but when i’m just sitting there?  crazy.

so there’s this little girl i like to go hang out with.  she’s not giving it up yet.  which kinda sucks.  but i like hanging out with her more than this one chick that loves giving it up.  but whatever.  let me expound on that a second.

this one chick i’d been seeing.  we never had the we are exclusive talk.  and when it came up, we just said we weren’t exclusive.  but she always asked me that if i slept with anyone else i should tell her.  and i think that’s fair.  so i fucked this other girl.  and i told her about it.  we talked and decided we should be fuck buddies.  since that’s pretty much what we had been anyway.

so i thought all was good.  but then she decides she’s off fuck buddies.  and wants to be all exclusive and boyfriend girlfriend and all that mess. 

guess i should never have said anything about fucking that other girl.  smooth.  but that’s just some BS.  they ask for honesty and openness and all that.  you know what honesty gets ya?  no more pussy, that’s what.

but anyway, there’s this other girl i like who won’t come off with the tail because she’s got a bf and she’s just not like that.  not yet, anyway.  but it’s crazy.  i will leave this girl who likes to give it up to me to go hang out with this other girl who ain’t givine me any.  although the girl that likes giving it up ain’t coming off it these days either because i refuse to tell her that i’m giving it to her and only her.

i should lie more.

but anywho…i forgot what i was talking about.

oh yeah, crazy bitch crashed her car.  girl that’s not giving it up, that is.  the girl who has yet to give it up i should say.  gotta remain positive.  she had come up to watch a movie with me and on her way home she said her car tried to kill her.  she said it all of a sudden goes into neutral and the steering and brakes go out.  that’s kinda odd i thought, since if my car goes into neutral i can still steer and brake. 

i went down to where she had pulled off the road.  her car isn’t too badly damaged.  just some minor body damage.  i drive her car around the parking lot and the transmission feels fine me.  her brakes do suck and she does drive too fast and it was raining.  so i’m pretty sure she was going too fast, had to stop, hydroplaned and hit the guardrail.  twice.  her front bumper and her rear bumper both this the same guardrail.  which leads me to believe she hydroplaned.

but whatever.  i was her hero that night.  she said to me she just wanted to go to sleep in my arms.  i explained to her that that could be arranged.  then i accused her of coming up with this crazy eloborate scheme to lure me back to her apartment.  when all she had to do was ask.

but no.  she didn’t even let me in her apartment.  because it was dirty was what she said.  and i half believe that.  and i think half because if she had me in there i’m pretty sure it would have been on.  and she’s not that kind of girl.  and her bf could hunt me down and kill me dead.  he’s like this crazy military dude who jumps out of airplanes and rescues people in hot spots.  which i guess is about the best job you could ever have.  i mean, how cool is that?  think you can pick up chicks with that line?  yeah, i jump out of airplanes and save peoples lives.  just another day at the office.

not yet…

oh, and i just love it that my number one blog on here as far as most viewed is about the fifteen year old camel toe.  just love it.

and speaking of fifteen year old camel toe, when did underage camel toe become the preferred fashion?  not that i have a big problem with it, it’s just crazy.  little girls love putting on white shorts that are two sizes too small and pulling them all the way up until you can perfectly make out that sweet, little, untouched flower blossom.  only i bet most of the time it isn’t quite so untouched.  that’s a scary thought.

ass like a cupcake.

does it make me a bad person because i want a woman who’s butt cheeks i can hold in the palm of my hand like cupcakes?  or does it just make me a vain asshole?

i can live with vain asshole.

i had one this weekend ya know.  a girl who’s ass i could hold in the palm of my hands like two sweet cupcakes.  and i liked it.  this is the girl i’ve been dreaming about.  the one i had convinced myself i could not live without.  we had an affair about four years ago.  five or six i guess counting from when it started.  but it’s been almost four years since i’d been with her.

this is the girl that has ruined me for other women.  they are all held to her standard.  especially in bed.  we have an amazing chemistry that transends anything i had ever known before or since.

and as i slid inside her i sighed half to myself, ah, that’s how this is supposed to feel.  that girl knows how to get me off.  it’d been so long and i was so excited to be with her that i forgot to stop and get condoms.  i guess moslty because when we were in our hay day, we didn’t use them.  but she knows i’m a man whore so she insisted.  i had one on me but that was it.  and this is the kind of woman i’m ready to fuck again right after.

i climaxed a record five times in one evening with her once.  i’m pretty sure we got up to eight one time, but that was in the course of the whole day.  so i was still horny as a mother fucker when we got done that one time.  but she’s just so damned sexy. 

she gave me the ole…i’m not even sure there is a name for what she did.  she rolled onto her stomach, reached her hand around and took my cock in it and basically simulated sex in that position.  which is one we had done often.  she gave me the moans and the movement and everything.  so i was able to get another one off.  right onto her sweet, little cupcake ass.

and like i said, this is the woman that i’ve held every woman up to since we stopped seeing each other.  always thought if i could just be with her.  but after being with her again and listening to just a little bit of the drama.  she is since divorced and i’m thinking that might have something to do with it.  i mean, me and this girl, we were pretty much only good when we were being bad.

so this time around it still felt like what it’s supposed to feel like.  but nah, i don’t really want her either.  so i don’t feel bad at all about this girl i’m seeing.  i mean, yeah, okay.  i reckon i oughta tell i had sex without her.  and used a condom.  but i’m really not worried about it.  i think i have a little clearer vision.  i would have thought that being with this woman again after all these years would bring everything rushing back.  but it didn’t.

maybe it’s just been a rough four years for her but she’s starting to look our age.  and something has happened to her tits.  they have shrank.  they were big, nice 36 D’s.  but she’s barely filling out a B cup.  i thought she had reduction surgery the difference is so dramatic.  but that might be a good thing for her.  she always had back problems from carrying those bitches around.

what did we learn today?  oh yeah, i’m a vain asshole.

i’m a pretty sick fuck.

and anyone who’s ever read this blog knows that.  not as sick as you fucks though.  i can’t believe how many of you sick bitches keep reading my fifteen year old camel toe blog.  that’s why mention it whenever i can.  so i can tag it.  and you suck fucks will read my blog, or at least look at it because i’ve tagged it with fifteen year old camel toe. 

suckers.

but anyway, i jerked off three times tonight.  twice dry.  for the third time i had to sneak into my nephews room and jack his ky jelly.  his jack cream, if you will.  and that shit works.  because after the second dry jerk, my little knob was getting pretty damn raw. 

but he just wanted another go.  so i obliged.

i’ve been seeing this girl.  and she’s a good girl.  likes sucking my cock.  has a nice little 25 year old pussy.  big ass titties.  sweet, sweet girl.  she just don’t turn me on.  after i fuck her once.  i’m done.  that’s it.  thanks for coming.  not that she actually ever does, but whatever.  thanks for getting me off.  now go fix me some pie, bitch.

if only she would fix me some pie.  i’d still be only half interested.  and that’s a shame.  she really is a sweet girl.  she just don’t turn me on.

i guess that makes me an asshole.  like i didn’t already know that.  and i want to do the right thing by her.  but i reckon this is one of those times where i should do right by me.  i mean, isn’t that what i should always do?

yes.

so here’s my dilemna.  it’s so much easier to find someone when you’ve got someone, right?  so should i let her hang around until i got a new little piece?  or should i cut her loose before she gets that much more attached?  maybe i should have the talk with her.

um, yeah girl.  you just don’t really do it for me.  sorry.  maybe if you’d hit the gym, dress a little sluttier.  wear some fucking make up every once in a while.  but until then, we can still hook up and fuck now and again.  but i’m gonna be out on the prowl.  so we should use condoms.

the great broken pecker is having women problems…

yeah, i’m pretty sure when i chose to go have coffee with a woman that’s not giving me sex over having a woman that is giving me sex buy me dinner, i’m having problems.

i mean, she’s a real sweet girl.  she seduced me with chili cheese fries the first time.  and she’s got a nice, tight little 25 year old pussy.  and huge tits.  loves sucking my cock.  and buys me dinner.

what the fuck is wrong with me?  i’m having some serious issues.

and i kinda want to break up with her but then i think about all the positives.  like she buys me food, sucks my cock and has a tight little 25 year old pussy.

i reckon i’m just a greedy son of a bitch.  i want it all.  i want to also be attracted to her and enjoy doing things other than sex with her.

maybe that’s why i’m so old and not married.  or have had more than one relationship last more than a few months.  other than the affair with the sexy as balls married girls that lasted a year and a half.  i just want too much from a woman.  i want her to turn me on.  i want to enjoy her company.  and i want her to buy me food.

i’m pretty sure i’ll die a sad, lonly old man.

it’s been a long time

so it’s not so much i need some weed as it is i really, really want some weed.

it’s been over a month since i’ve smoked and let me tell ya.  i fucking miss it.  like nothing else.  it’s like i’ve been in a haze of depression since i stopped smoking weed.  my sex drive is down.  i’m not writing.  it’s like i just don’t care.

isn’t that the opposite of what not smoking weed is supposed to do for you?  i’ve not been drinking near as much either, but that just makes me want to smoke weed that much more.

i swear i could give up booze if i could just smoke whenever i wanted.  i mean, damn.  i love smoking weed.  i truly believe it enhances my life.

since i’ve not been smoking i’ve been lazy.  i’ve not gone to the gym.  i’ve not done nothing.  i guess maybe i might be a little sharper at my job.  but i don’t fucking enjoy it.  i’m wishing every minute i had some weed to smoke when i got off.  i used to love going to the movies stoned. 

now i could care less.

i loved getting stoned and playing my bass.  now i just kinda go over my lines and that’s about it. 

this is bullshit.

but whatever.

taboo poon

So I was pretty much required by man law to go and give this girl the goods.  I mean, first, she tempted me with chili cheese fries.  Then she drove them to me about a half hour out of her way.  Then she drove me home and curled up with me on the couch.

 

Then she started rubbing on my and whispering to me that she wasn’t a tease.

 

But then she had to go home.

 

But she wanted to have a sleep over the next day.  And sent me a text to tell me her legs weren’t the only thing she shaved today.

 

What?

 

How am I supposed to not?

 

I mean, yeah, I work with her.  And we are totally not allowed to date.  It’s in the handbook.  But fuck the handbook, right?

 

That’s what she said anyway.

 

Well, so I went and gave her the goods.  And it was good.  And she wants it again.

 

I’m sure the fact that the poon is somewhat taboo makes it more attractive to the both of us.  And where we work there’s lots of dark corners for some real excitement on the job.  This might get interesting.

 

But never forget, I am the Great Broken Pecker.  Let’s see how I can fuck this up.

what to do? what to do?

i got this incredible urge to go sit at a bar and just get shitty drunk.  it’s only 1:30 though.  and my liscense is technically suspended.  well, not technically.  it is.

so i’m rolling the dice whenever i get behind the wheel anyway.  much less an unnecessary trip to a bar just to get drunk.  back and forth to work is at least a must, ya know.  and that might get me busted anyway.  i figure the odds of getting pulled over increase prbably exponentially everytime i drive.

so do i really wanna pick today to increase those odds?  i mean, i do need to go to the bank and probably to get a starbucks while i’m out.  but i can just sit here and smoke my pot and play my bass.

besides, i’ve not even showered for like two days. 

but i am the great broken pecker.  and i simply do not give a fuck.