so i banged the perfect woman this weekend…

and by perfect, i mean she has a swinging hips elvis clock hanging above her toilet.  i mean, that’s like enough right there.  but there’s more.  she’s also tall, red headed and her father owns a jewlry store.  she works for him and will eventually inherit the thing.  she’s a girl of vast resources.  i’ve always said i’m looking for someone to start a cloning experient with and she’d be a prime candidate.  tall, well built.  her brother is like a fucking monster he’s so huge.  not fatty huge, but just huge huge.  she owns her own home that comes equipped with a big screen tv, pool table and hot tub.  she loves to drink beer and smoke pot.  and she loves to get fucking pounded.

so i pounded her.  drank her beer.  and smoked her pot.  the hot tub had just been shocked so the clorine content was a little high and i’m already pasty white.  so i left that one alone.

i did come up with a new technique in the sack.  it will only work i think with tall girls.  well built girls.  little frail ones might not be able to do it either since it requires me to lay on top of her completely while she’s on her stomach.  but here it is.  she’s flat on her stomach and i’m stradling her ass on top of her.  i enter her va jay jay from that position and lay down on top of her, stretching my legs out side by side with hers with my legs remaining on the outside.  this allows for some nice, easy rocking of our bodies back and forth.  that’s good for me because in this position i can go for quite a while.  meaning longer that two minutes.  and she kinda likes it too.  maybe because she’s a lazy cunt, but whatever.

now the fun starts when we’ve been doing this for a while.  it feels good but she’s ready for some hard pounding.  so she tries to bring herself up into the doggy position while i’m still on top of her trying to pound her back down to the bed.  you can imagine how this might get fun.  but like i said, with slightly built women, this might not work so well.  i’m thinking the woman has to be able to push back and actually make an attempt to get to her knees.  because that’s the fun part for me.

when i finally allow her to her knees and the doggy position is assumed, i grab her by the hips, hold myself in the position where i’m on my haunches, as if i were a dog, and slam her by the hips back into me.  this is good fun for her as she really loves to be just fucking pounded.    i must admit i like it too.  i just need some work at it.  my stamina in this position is weak.  and i cum rather quickly once we’ve made it to this position.  the key is just to take a long time getting there. 

the perfect woman.  my long, desperate road is traveled.  well, not quite.  i’m not interested in this woman at all.  probably because she’s single.  and i don’t like the way she taste.  i’ve been with her before and the last two times we’ve fucked, we’ve not kissed.  not that she has a stanky pussy or anything like that.  i think it’s just where she’s such a heavy smoker it has actually tainted her taste.  you know, her lips, her skin.  and whatever kind of lotions and smell goods she uses, i don’t like either.  her scent does not turn me on.

so my search continues….

total D-bag move.

so this chick i had been banging but am no longer banging keeps texting me with stuff like, “i’m so bored. guess i’ll go watch some porn.”  and stuff like that.  well, yesterday i had some plans that fell through and got one of these text.  so i text her back and told her she was more than welcome to come play with my penis.  she ask what she’s gonna get out of it.  i told her a fresh load of hot, white cum.

she said ask what if she wanted sex.  and i told her if she’s suck me off and let me cum in her mouth i’d fuck her.  she decides she still doesn’t want to do that.  said she probably wouldn’t cum anyway.  because i think she’s just spent so much time getting herself off with a vibrator it’s really hard for her to get off with out it.  but chicks are just hard to get off sometimes.  but whatever.

she decides she’ll come over and play with my penis anyway.  and she does.  it’s pretty cool.  she fondles my balls and licks on my cock.  she sucks it.  and it’s all a good time.  she’s got these huge tits and we come up with this move where my legs are around her while i’m on my back and i titty fuck her and she’s like sucking my cock at the same time.  it’s very nice.

so we do that and it feels good and i cum all over myself.  it’s great.  but then, of course, she starts whining because she’s not getting anything out of it.  and i’m like, hey, that was the deal.  remember?  but whatever, i’m still hard so i slide it in and give her a little cock.  and i do mean a little.

the reason i stopped banging this chick in the first place is she just doesn’t turn me on.  sure, as long as she’s sucking my cock and fondling my balls i’m gonna get hard.  but when i’m fucking her i have to really concentrate to keep things going otherwise i’ll just go limp.  so i find a position where it really squeezes my pecker and i pound her for a minute or so and i cum again.  but it’s only like a half wad, so as soon as it stops oozing i stick it back in her to finish up.  and it doesn’t take very long.

needless to say, she’s pissed.  and i’m ready for a nap.  and i did take a two hour nap.  i think i fell asleep as she slammed the door.

cinco de mayo

band practice was pretty good tonight.  but i seem to have lost my wallet.  maybe i should lay off the pot.  i mean really.  i lose shit just by standing up.  last night, i lost a pen cap.  without even moving.  it’s like one second it’s there, the next it’s lost.  like i went through some sort of time warp and everything but the pen cap came with me. 

i mean, i was just sitting right there.  i didni’t even move.

i lost my remote control the other night.  but i got up.  probably to smoke some pot.  then i couldn’t find my remote.  that’s irritating enough.  but when i’m just sitting there?  crazy.

so there’s this little girl i like to go hang out with.  she’s not giving it up yet.  which kinda sucks.  but i like hanging out with her more than this one chick that loves giving it up.  but whatever.  let me expound on that a second.

this one chick i’d been seeing.  we never had the we are exclusive talk.  and when it came up, we just said we weren’t exclusive.  but she always asked me that if i slept with anyone else i should tell her.  and i think that’s fair.  so i fucked this other girl.  and i told her about it.  we talked and decided we should be fuck buddies.  since that’s pretty much what we had been anyway.

so i thought all was good.  but then she decides she’s off fuck buddies.  and wants to be all exclusive and boyfriend girlfriend and all that mess. 

guess i should never have said anything about fucking that other girl.  smooth.  but that’s just some BS.  they ask for honesty and openness and all that.  you know what honesty gets ya?  no more pussy, that’s what.

but anyway, there’s this other girl i like who won’t come off with the tail because she’s got a bf and she’s just not like that.  not yet, anyway.  but it’s crazy.  i will leave this girl who likes to give it up to me to go hang out with this other girl who ain’t givine me any.  although the girl that likes giving it up ain’t coming off it these days either because i refuse to tell her that i’m giving it to her and only her.

i should lie more.

but anywho…i forgot what i was talking about.

oh yeah, crazy bitch crashed her car.  girl that’s not giving it up, that is.  the girl who has yet to give it up i should say.  gotta remain positive.  she had come up to watch a movie with me and on her way home she said her car tried to kill her.  she said it all of a sudden goes into neutral and the steering and brakes go out.  that’s kinda odd i thought, since if my car goes into neutral i can still steer and brake. 

i went down to where she had pulled off the road.  her car isn’t too badly damaged.  just some minor body damage.  i drive her car around the parking lot and the transmission feels fine me.  her brakes do suck and she does drive too fast and it was raining.  so i’m pretty sure she was going too fast, had to stop, hydroplaned and hit the guardrail.  twice.  her front bumper and her rear bumper both this the same guardrail.  which leads me to believe she hydroplaned.

but whatever.  i was her hero that night.  she said to me she just wanted to go to sleep in my arms.  i explained to her that that could be arranged.  then i accused her of coming up with this crazy eloborate scheme to lure me back to her apartment.  when all she had to do was ask.

but no.  she didn’t even let me in her apartment.  because it was dirty was what she said.  and i half believe that.  and i think half because if she had me in there i’m pretty sure it would have been on.  and she’s not that kind of girl.  and her bf could hunt me down and kill me dead.  he’s like this crazy military dude who jumps out of airplanes and rescues people in hot spots.  which i guess is about the best job you could ever have.  i mean, how cool is that?  think you can pick up chicks with that line?  yeah, i jump out of airplanes and save peoples lives.  just another day at the office.

not yet…

oh, and i just love it that my number one blog on here as far as most viewed is about the fifteen year old camel toe.  just love it.

and speaking of fifteen year old camel toe, when did underage camel toe become the preferred fashion?  not that i have a big problem with it, it’s just crazy.  little girls love putting on white shorts that are two sizes too small and pulling them all the way up until you can perfectly make out that sweet, little, untouched flower blossom.  only i bet most of the time it isn’t quite so untouched.  that’s a scary thought.